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chii, flower

September 2014

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I don't know what to do...

I don't know what to do.

That's my general feeling. My ever present companion is doubt.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know what to do about this. I don't know what to do about that.
I try one thing and rework another and then I wait. I don't know how to communicate my feelings or resolve conflicts, like this stupid one that's keeping me up right now.
I don't know how to communicate to employers that I'm a good risk, even though I'm hardly a risk to hire at all. I don't know how to write a good cover letter or what kind of resume to use.
Functional or Chronological resume? What does an employer want to see? How do I show I'm capable without flooding the page? I don't know how.

I don't know what to do.

I'm so tight on money and I don't start back up (only part-time) with the bookstore until next Monday. And I'm tight on money but I need to see a doctor for my depression and anxiety medications. I have to refill birthcontrol, which is another doctor's visit. My tooth chipped, which is a whole different and expensive problem. Not to mention I don't have car insurance because I couldn't afford it and now that I live in NJ I definitely can't afford it. I just don't know what to do. I can't even check any of this off a to-do list because I can't go and DO them.

I filed paperwork to be considered for a lower payment plan for my school loans because as it stands right now I just can't afford to pay them.

I feel like I made the wrong choice when I decided against going back to school for my mental health. Like I'm starting to agree with my dad that I'm a fuck up and that I made a huge mistake and my life will never recover. Like I've fucked up and I don't know what to do.

Alex and I are in a tiff over something really stupid and it's just so worthless and I'm just so worthless and why doesn't anyone love me it's because /I/ don't love me. I'm shit. I want my medications. I want to not feel like this. I want to take those medications until these feelings go away and I stop engaging with the world this way.

I have tabs upon tabs of job listings open and I am completely incapable of applying to any of them. What do I do. I don't know what to do.

I don't know what to do. I don't fucking know.