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chii, flower

September 2014

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chii, flower

I feel like I can't talk to anyone...

It's more like I can't convince myself to talk to anyone because I'm convinced it doesn't matter to them or they don't care and I'm really struggling with feelings of abandonment right now, for no good reason. But instead of doing anything about it I sit here and just struggle with my feelings of inadequacy which are not aided by my inability to get a return call from any position I apply to.

//The one good side effect to all this is that I finish a lot of cosplay stuff because I've very little else to do. *gigantic sigh*

Not to mention now that's it's November it's like I've been slammed with my seasonal affective disorder and all the sudden nothing is worth anything anymore. I honestly just want to take long drives to nowhere, because that expects nothing from me. And also that someone very close to me told me that yes, they are not going to be sympathetic and pretty much they berate or sort of play down how I'm feeling with jokes and simple responses. I definitely feel like I can't talk to them now and it's making me feel even more alone and unwanted. u_u I'm just digging myself into a ditch right now, really. I don't know how to explain how I feel about all this even. Part of how my depression works is that everything becomes a jumble that I can't separate and I feel so tense and knotted. It even affects me physically. I'm pretty much incapable of moving my neck right now... if I still saw them, my physical therapist would be appalled. U_U I kind of wish I still saw them.

God, even if I could just figure myself out, that would be a step. But I can't even do that.
I miss Zoe and having her around to talk to and hang out with. Same goes for Chelsea, who I've not seen for over a year. I also miss my dad, who is now in Texas, and I hate how I always fight with my mom. My dad has a great knack for talking about things and turning them into relatively simpler things. Not always, but sometimes he's just the right person to talk to, because he's also logically inclined like I am. My mom is entirely the opposite, very emotionally based, and I just can't handle that.

I can't even continue on with applying to finnish school right now, because my citizenship was revoked when I didn't declare on my 22nd birthday. So now I have to go through the process of reapplying for citizenship AND proving I have "sufficient connection" to finland to keep it.

I don't even know. I am in such a rut anymore. I try to talk to someone, anyone, but I always end up swallowing my words at the last minute and never bring it up with anyone. I'm afraid of another person telling me that they won't care if I talk to them. That hurts really bad, man. But I come to live journal 'cause I know no one reads it and that I can really just vent here, and even if I don't get a response, it's okay, because I never expect one when I livejournal. I just need that other voice inside me to be quiet for a bit. There is some place that listens, even if it's just listening to my keys as I type.


Hey, I realize you posted this a few days ago, but don't ever hesitate to call/text/facebook message me if you want to vent. I'm here if you ever want to talk! (Also not terribly far away geographically, so that's a thing.)