I'm grumpy today. Went to bed grumpy last night, woke up still grumpy, and just continued to be grumpy. I don't know if feeling grumpy has been the trigger, but whatever happened I have been pulling hair all day today and have been unable to stop it, no matter what I try.
I was doing database searches all day for work, and it's all for images. Our server is horribly organized, awfully. So bad. And the online company database is hardly any better because you can only search by individual terms. UGH. (For my personal record, this is where I stopped typing to pull with both hands.)
Sometime this week I need to go to the bank for a car loan. That's on my mind and stressful especially because while I still have a job I have heard nothing from the many I have applied to... My dad is moving to Texas in a few weeks and I'm still in a rut over it. It doesn't help the matter that he's not particularly pleased to be moving either. This is on top of my worry that I won't find a job that will allow me to move out. Student loan payments are creeping up on me and I'm just trying to put away as much money as I can while I can, since I'm still at home and not doing the rent thing.
Compounding all my worries that I already have, somehow my brain is parallel processing and I'm worrying over my friends' troubles and hardships as well. I don't want my friends worrying like I worry because I know how much it sucks. And when my friends have troubles (money, people,etc) I always want to help but never feel like I can really and that's really rough. Because I want to say "here, don't worry, I've got it" since I can't seem to say that for myself in my own situation. But since I can't even say it for them, how the hell am I going to manage?
My scalp burns and itches and I can feel all the spots I pulled from today. I was using my anxiety tracker app on my phone to try and manage how I was feeling but it was only working for short periods of time.
I was supposed to follow up with two publishing houses that I sent applications to, but I'm so downtrodden about it all. I'll still call, leave a message, etc, but I so badly want these jobs, and I know I'm qualified! I look at these lists of desired traits and I have all of them and more. So is my cover letter just awful? What's going on that I can't even get a call back? I jeep worrying that it's because I'm in MD and haven't moved yet, even though people tell me that's not the case. If that's not the case what is?
I have all these frustrations and worries moving around in my head and when one drifts away a different one fills its place. I want to support people, but how do I honestly tell someone "you can do it!" when I can't. Isn't that like the blind leading the blind? And sometimes when I try to just be a listening ear or someone to vent to, I get snapped at yelled at because who knows why. They're frustrated. I get that...but getting snapped at just makes me sad and more worried and sometimes a little but peeved because I'm just trying to do for you what I would hope someone would do for me...
I think I will really need to work on cosplay tonight, sewing and stuff to just keep my hands busy. I'm working on an art book image of Arashi from x/1999. It's somewhat shrine maidenish and I've got a good amount of the skirt nearly done. It's so heavy though I worry about not doing something right and having it tear or rip... More fussing in my head. But at least a tear or a rip it a pattern is something I can process and work on and do something about.
I guess I ought to go do those follow up calls.