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chii, flower

September 2014



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24th Aug, 2013

chii, flower

Trouble with headaches again.

I've had a headache for a week now. Haven't been able to get it under control or make it go away...

My dad would likely say it's because I'm internalizing my stress again. My neck has locked up as if it's confined in a neck brace. I have always done this, taken stress and pulled it in and made it a physical thing. The worst ways stress affect me are with headaches and with my hair, and both are debilitating for me. I'm floundering here.

Too many things going on right now.
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chii, flower

(no subject)

I was doing okay with my hair.

Why does it always happen like this?

19th Aug, 2013


I'm grumpy.

I'm grumpy today. Went to bed grumpy last night, woke up still grumpy, and just continued to be grumpy. I don't know if feeling grumpy has been the trigger, but whatever happened I have been pulling hair all day today and have been unable to stop it, no matter what I try.


I was doing database searches all day for work, and it's all for images. Our server is horribly organized, awfully. So bad. And the online company database is hardly any better because you can only search by individual terms. UGH. (For my personal record, this is where I stopped typing to pull with both hands.)


Sometime this week I need to go to the bank for a car loan. That's on my mind and stressful especially because while I still have a job I have heard nothing from the many I have applied to... My dad is moving to Texas in a few weeks and I'm still in a rut over it. It doesn't help the matter that he's not particularly pleased to be moving either. This is on top of my worry that I won't find a job that will allow me to move out. Student loan payments are creeping up on me and I'm just trying to put away as much money as I can while I can, since I'm still at home and not doing the rent thing.


Compounding all my worries that I already have, somehow my brain is parallel processing and I'm worrying over my friends' troubles and hardships as well. I don't want my friends worrying like I worry because I know how much it sucks. And when my friends have troubles (money, people,etc) I always want to help but never feel like I can really and that's really rough. Because I want to say "here, don't worry, I've got it" since I can't seem to say that for myself in my own situation. But since I can't even say it for them, how the hell am I going to manage?


My scalp burns and itches and I can feel all the spots I pulled from today. I was using my anxiety tracker app on my phone to try and manage how I was feeling but it was only working for short periods of time.


I was supposed to follow up with two publishing houses that I sent applications to, but I'm so downtrodden about it all. I'll still call, leave a message, etc, but I so badly want these jobs, and I know I'm qualified! I look at these lists of desired traits and I have all of them and more. So is my cover letter just awful? What's going on that I can't even get a call back? I jeep worrying that it's because I'm in MD and haven't moved yet, even though people tell me that's not the case. If that's not the case what is?


I have all these frustrations and worries moving around in my head and when one drifts away a different one fills its place. I want to support people, but how do I honestly tell someone "you can do it!" when I can't. Isn't that like the blind leading the blind? And sometimes when I try to just be a listening ear or someone to vent to, I get snapped at yelled at because who knows why. They're frustrated. I get that...but getting snapped at just makes me sad and more worried and sometimes a little but peeved because I'm just trying to do for you what I would hope someone would do for me...


I think I will really need to work on cosplay tonight, sewing and stuff to just keep my hands busy. I'm working on an art book image of Arashi from x/1999. It's somewhat shrine maidenish and I've got a good amount of the skirt nearly done. It's so heavy though I worry about not doing something right and having it tear or rip... More fussing in my head. But at least a tear or a rip it a pattern is something I can process and work on and do something about.


I guess I ought to go do those follow up calls.

18th Jul, 2013

chii, flower

Oh for fucks sake

Man, my mood is fucking all over the place. I’m up and then I’m down and then I hate myself and then I hate everyone else too. And man… just make life easy…Or at least less complicated. Please?
ringo rain

30th Jun, 2013

chii, flower

Me things.

I am asexual. I am a feminist. I am a woman. I have depression. I have trich. But most of all, I am a person. None of these are mutually exclusive. Please do not break me down into any one of my parts.

I am ace AND I'm a feminist AND I'm a woman. This all just makes me a PERSON. I am more than my identity and more than my disorders. Just because part of my identity is ace should not mean that then everything you think of me is dictated by my aceness. It is only a single facet of my many-faceted self.

If what you think of me is dominated by the idea that I am asexual or the idea that I speak with a feminist agenda or that I suffer from depression, then think again. I am a person and I am more than my parts.

Remember that the next time you think that all I do is because of one part of me.

14th May, 2013

chii, flower

Hello Again

Once again returned to livejournal because it's been one or two of those days. I don't know why, but I'm having an awful hard time keeping my hands out of my hair.

Not sure what's going on, really, but I'm pretty sure it's stress about a bossy roommate, worrying about jobs and graduation, that paper I never turned in, and just trying to figure out how I will juggle my family when they're here for graduation. I also need to worry about what I ought to wear for graduation, as I haven't really got a nice dress here. =/ I may just... I dunno. I need to figure it out.

I'm looking forward to seeing Andrew, Alex, my family and close family friends for graduation though. So there is that. I also submitted something to a trichotillomania stuff tumblr and people have been reblogged it saying thank you and that they really needed to hear my story and how telling my semi-success story of trich helped them. So I feel good for that, I suppose. That's here

Ugh, and I still need to pack. Also, I am nearly out of my medication, which could prove disastrous... I need to hopefully refill it, but I have no refills left. Halp. T_T

Packing... good lord, I don't even want to think of it. May I just have the will to leave my hair alone.

11th May, 2013

chii, flower

It should be known by now...

It should be a known fact by now that when I come to livejournal it's because I feel upset and like ripping my hair out in great chunks just to feel better.

I just hit the last straw for here in Ithaca, and I just can't anymore. I am so angry and pissed and sad and I feel like crying, but that won't help me at all. I want to pull, but I have been so good for months now, and I don't want to ruin it, because I already pulled from my eyebrows last night and of course I pulled from the one that's already nearly not there anymore.

I am so done. I want to not live here anymore. School is over, I do not want another week in this house, but I have to wait till graduation before I can actually leave.

Fucking stupid.
I just can't anymore. 

26th Apr, 2013


Things that make me think.

Sometimes I wonder how it is that I ended up with a guy who cares about me like Alex does. Actually, just how I ended up with a guy like him. And how I got such great friends both at home and at school. I hope that I keep these people with me for the rest of my life.

I have been pulling less since I am staying strictly on my wellbutrin in the morning. Haven't missed a day and it has certainly improved my outlook.

I am still having anxiety and doubts about what will happen after graduation. I have a phone interview for Monday or some time next week about a possible summer intern position. Paid, which is the only reason I actually applied to it. I have also been working steadily on my résumé and I'm pleased to say Zoe helped me fit it all onto one page. Also, it looks spiffy. ^_^

Next week is the last week of classes and my last week of classes for my entire college career. It is really strange to think about... Graduation and all....

My car is also still broken. I will be attempting to take it to the shop tomorrow... one hopes. But because my car has been broken I have been taking the bus to school and walking back home. But walking back home is downhill and has really been aggravating my old knee injury. It was probably hyperextended back then and never really was treated. So downhill walking has been hard and slowly making the occasional discomfort into regular discomfort and now pain. I got a new brace for my knee, a more supportive one that will also fit beneath jeans. So we'll see if that helps.

Finals approach. We shall see how this all pans out.
Also, worst timing ever, but I got a tumblr. KikukaChan, as usual. Find me.

19th Apr, 2013

chii, flower

Emotions are hard

I have difficulty determining the emotions of anger and of frustration. I don't often feel either of them. I don't usually get angry (only my mother can honest to god truly make me angry) and even then I get angry because I'm frustrated. But on the reverse when I'm angry I get frustrated. These two things aren't great together.

These are the only emotions that will make me throw things and want to destroy things. Table flipping right now would be wonderful. Especially if it was covered in things that shattered. 

8th Apr, 2013

chii, flower

Can I just say

That I hate when people continue on as if nothing's even happened? They snap at you, or you at them, but they'll just breeze past it a minute later without even acknowledging that something, probably upsetting, happened?

I get so upset when that happens. My mother does it all the time and it drives me mad. Please, at least acknowledge that you snapped, you don't even have to say sorry. Just tell me that you know I upset you and you upset me.

I'm not even out for an apology. If I have snapped at someone I don't move on with them as if I hadn't; I stop, I say "I'm sorry I snapped at you" or "I apologize, I got snippy" because I know that I've done something that likely either caught the other party off guard or upset them. When someone can't return the same courtesy I feel as if doesn't matter that I've been upset by getting yelled at, essentially. Because that's what snapping is, it's briefly raising your voice and yelling at someone. And getting yelled at, even just if it's through text, is super upsetting to me. I don't like raised voices and when I get yelled at I cry. It's almost automatic.

I know I'm repeating myself, but that just shows how off-kilter I get when someone fails to acknowledge that I've annoyed them and they've snapped at me (or vice versa). I've been feeling unbalanced all day from it, even if it was a super minor thing, it's thrown me off entirely. I don't even want an apology, (though those are nice because at least you're admitting you feel bad for upsetting someone), I don't need an apology if you can just say 'hey, I was annoyed, I got pretty short with you' - acknowledge that you acted a certain way, dammit! The sorry is a nice addition, but mostly I'd just like some proof that you're self-aware and people-aware (is that a thing? what I mean is you know how you're affecting others).

...Anyone else get like that? Does this drive anyone else mad, or is it just me?

[PS, still pulling....duh, at this point.]

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