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chii, flower

September 2014

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hana

Go Figure


Go figure that I'd be the one to get in a massive argument/fight with their mother on mother's day. Just really, like it would be me. And of course everything is always my fault in my house. God forbid my dog has allergies and it's allergy season, all that's my fault to because I can control all that.

 

Look lady, I can't even control my own life right now and you want me to keep a handle on your sanity for you when you lost it to alcohol years ago?

 

And that the disrepair of the house that I didn't live in for four years is my fault too, because all this time neglect damage was done in just the year I've been home.

 

And despite all this I still feel fucking guilty and responsible for her and I almost fucking believe her when she makes everything my fault and I believe her when she tells me that I can't support myself without her even though we all know she can't support herself and that my dad basically supports me financially when I'm feeling the pinch from loans.

 

I feel responsible for taking care of my mother when she's destroying herself. I feel guilty for allowing myself to just acknowledge that she's been a really shitty mom for years and years to the point when I can't remember when she was good. And I feel resentment. So much that it's hard to put into words. And yet, it's always the guilt that wins out.

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