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chii, flower

September 2014

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chii, flower

Bad nights like this

/I’m having a bad night.

Bad mood.

Angry and annoyed. Mostly by my mother, but by other things. She's lost my W2 from the college and so now she can't do my taxes, even though when I told her if she just left my things together I'd do it but she said no, no, I'll keep them all together and do my taxes at the same time. But nope, she's gone and lost something and now is yelling at me about it.

Aside from that, I'm left to my thoughts and just thinking about how I’m pathetic and still don’t have a job.

How I just sit around and wait for people to call me back, expecting that they never will.

It’s almost been a year since I graduated - why can’t I get employed? Why won’t anyone hire me? What is wrong with me?

I’m pulling and miserable about it. I got triggered on tumblr of all things, and by a friend, a friend who knows about my problem, and even though I know it's a common turn of phrase, I wish she'd thought about it for a second longer, because she knows it's something I have little control over and it's a sensitive issue. but I can't be mad, because it's tumblr, and I shouldn't expect people to tag everything. I shouldn't be mad, I shouldn't be upset. Mostly I'm mad at myself for falling to a stupid thing like getting triggered, but it had already been a bad day. I'm allowing myself to be a little upset that my friends will say things like "I want to pull my hair out over (blank)" around me, knowing my issues with the phrase.

Physical therapy is still going, but my neck is still messed up and hardly feels much better. But I haven’t had enough visits yet to really be much better. Yet I can hardly do my stretches at home because my neck is still so locked up.

I’m running out of my savings, which I worked so hard to save up while I was working because somehow I knew this would happen, but I was hoping to be hired before I ran out of savings. And that’s really just biting at me. So I keep applying places, knowing it's not going to do much good without connections, but pitifully trying anyway.

I want my mom to move out and go back to Finland so I can just finally be on my own. I want to do my own thing. I want to work. I HATE THIS. I just feel like crying and I feel so pathetic. I just want to work, just hire me, all I want is something to do.

DST has finally ended, so the sun is up later, but I still feel so worthless and trampled under my depression.

I want to live with my boyfriend or my friends, I want to feel like I’ve finally earned my way to live outside my family’s help. And I feel guilty and selfish for thinking these things. I should be grateful. But I just want to finally live off myself.

I need to fix the house so that it can sell, but I can’t do anything till mom leaves and I start working. BUT I FEEL LIKE NOTHING IS HAPPENING IN MY LIFE. AND I CAN’T TAKE IT MUCH LONGER.

I feel so worthless.

I can’t keep living like this.

Worst of all, I feel awful for feeling this way about my life. I have no right. Nothing is wrong. My family members, while distant and not always on great terms with me, are present and not sick. I've seen a lot of sickness and heard of a lot of deaths and talked to others about hardships much worse than mine. And I know, I know, hardships and troubles are not comparable. But we all know they are. We all know that being depressed about jobs and money has nothing on losing someone or being suicidal or serious mental illnesses. I've just got depression and anxiety. I've had these things for years now. I should know how to deal with these by now.

I should be a more capable person by now.
But I'm not.

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