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chii, flower

September 2014



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17th Sep, 2014


I don't know what to do...

I don't know what to do.

That's my general feeling. My ever present companion is doubt.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know what to do about this. I don't know what to do about that.
I try one thing and rework another and then I wait. I don't know how to communicate my feelings or resolve conflicts, like this stupid one that's keeping me up right now.
I don't know how to communicate to employers that I'm a good risk, even though I'm hardly a risk to hire at all. I don't know how to write a good cover letter or what kind of resume to use.
Functional or Chronological resume? What does an employer want to see? How do I show I'm capable without flooding the page? I don't know how.

I don't know what to do.

I'm so tight on money and I don't start back up (only part-time) with the bookstore until next Monday. And I'm tight on money but I need to see a doctor for my depression and anxiety medications. I have to refill birthcontrol, which is another doctor's visit. My tooth chipped, which is a whole different and expensive problem. Not to mention I don't have car insurance because I couldn't afford it and now that I live in NJ I definitely can't afford it. I just don't know what to do. I can't even check any of this off a to-do list because I can't go and DO them.

I filed paperwork to be considered for a lower payment plan for my school loans because as it stands right now I just can't afford to pay them.

I feel like I made the wrong choice when I decided against going back to school for my mental health. Like I'm starting to agree with my dad that I'm a fuck up and that I made a huge mistake and my life will never recover. Like I've fucked up and I don't know what to do.

Alex and I are in a tiff over something really stupid and it's just so worthless and I'm just so worthless and why doesn't anyone love me it's because /I/ don't love me. I'm shit. I want my medications. I want to not feel like this. I want to take those medications until these feelings go away and I stop engaging with the world this way.

I have tabs upon tabs of job listings open and I am completely incapable of applying to any of them. What do I do. I don't know what to do.

I don't know what to do. I don't fucking know.

11th May, 2014


Go Figure

Go figure that I'd be the one to get in a massive argument/fight with their mother on mother's day. Just really, like it would be me. And of course everything is always my fault in my house. God forbid my dog has allergies and it's allergy season, all that's my fault to because I can control all that.


Look lady, I can't even control my own life right now and you want me to keep a handle on your sanity for you when you lost it to alcohol years ago?


And that the disrepair of the house that I didn't live in for four years is my fault too, because all this time neglect damage was done in just the year I've been home.


And despite all this I still feel fucking guilty and responsible for her and I almost fucking believe her when she makes everything my fault and I believe her when she tells me that I can't support myself without her even though we all know she can't support herself and that my dad basically supports me financially when I'm feeling the pinch from loans.


I feel responsible for taking care of my mother when she's destroying herself. I feel guilty for allowing myself to just acknowledge that she's been a really shitty mom for years and years to the point when I can't remember when she was good. And I feel resentment. So much that it's hard to put into words. And yet, it's always the guilt that wins out.

28th Apr, 2014



I actually cannot handle what is going on with my life right now.
Having anxiety attacks and getting overwhelmed by everything is not a fun way to live.


I'm having so much anxiety right now and nobody gets it. Most of all the person who really doesn't get it is the one I most wasn't to be able to rely on but I keep finding out that he finds these traits of my anxiety disorder unattractive and disgusting. Which is great, join the club, so do I!
But right now I just need understanding and comfort and I can't find that with anyone.


10th Mar, 2014

chii, flower

Bad nights like this

/I’m having a bad night.

Bad mood.

Angry and annoyed. Mostly by my mother, but by other things. She's lost my W2 from the college and so now she can't do my taxes, even though when I told her if she just left my things together I'd do it but she said no, no, I'll keep them all together and do my taxes at the same time. But nope, she's gone and lost something and now is yelling at me about it.

Aside from that, I'm left to my thoughts and just thinking about how I’m pathetic and still don’t have a job.

How I just sit around and wait for people to call me back, expecting that they never will.

It’s almost been a year since I graduated - why can’t I get employed? Why won’t anyone hire me? What is wrong with me?

I’m pulling and miserable about it. I got triggered on tumblr of all things, and by a friend, a friend who knows about my problem, and even though I know it's a common turn of phrase, I wish she'd thought about it for a second longer, because she knows it's something I have little control over and it's a sensitive issue. but I can't be mad, because it's tumblr, and I shouldn't expect people to tag everything. I shouldn't be mad, I shouldn't be upset. Mostly I'm mad at myself for falling to a stupid thing like getting triggered, but it had already been a bad day. I'm allowing myself to be a little upset that my friends will say things like "I want to pull my hair out over (blank)" around me, knowing my issues with the phrase.

Physical therapy is still going, but my neck is still messed up and hardly feels much better. But I haven’t had enough visits yet to really be much better. Yet I can hardly do my stretches at home because my neck is still so locked up.

I’m running out of my savings, which I worked so hard to save up while I was working because somehow I knew this would happen, but I was hoping to be hired before I ran out of savings. And that’s really just biting at me. So I keep applying places, knowing it's not going to do much good without connections, but pitifully trying anyway.

I want my mom to move out and go back to Finland so I can just finally be on my own. I want to do my own thing. I want to work. I HATE THIS. I just feel like crying and I feel so pathetic. I just want to work, just hire me, all I want is something to do.

DST has finally ended, so the sun is up later, but I still feel so worthless and trampled under my depression.

I want to live with my boyfriend or my friends, I want to feel like I’ve finally earned my way to live outside my family’s help. And I feel guilty and selfish for thinking these things. I should be grateful. But I just want to finally live off myself.

I need to fix the house so that it can sell, but I can’t do anything till mom leaves and I start working. BUT I FEEL LIKE NOTHING IS HAPPENING IN MY LIFE. AND I CAN’T TAKE IT MUCH LONGER.

I feel so worthless.

I can’t keep living like this.

Worst of all, I feel awful for feeling this way about my life. I have no right. Nothing is wrong. My family members, while distant and not always on great terms with me, are present and not sick. I've seen a lot of sickness and heard of a lot of deaths and talked to others about hardships much worse than mine. And I know, I know, hardships and troubles are not comparable. But we all know they are. We all know that being depressed about jobs and money has nothing on losing someone or being suicidal or serious mental illnesses. I've just got depression and anxiety. I've had these things for years now. I should know how to deal with these by now.

I should be a more capable person by now.
But I'm not.

25th Dec, 2013

chii, flower


And people always wonder why I hate the holidays...
Between my mother telling me she regrets loving me and getting yelled at by the boyfriend.... Holidays really haven't been so nice to me for years.

So yeah... not a fan of holidays. Not enjoying this time of year and seasonal depression really kicking me. 

8th Nov, 2013

chii, flower


I feel very accomplished for having finished my first solo cosplay project. ^_^ I patterned and sewed this whole thing without much help (a friend helped me plan and cut some stuff). And I'm just... so proud of this. *squee* *>.<* The skirt is a little off center here, but it was just a test to make sure all my snaps lined up! (They did :D) The skirt needs a little help with the poof, but you know what, the con isn't till February. I'm not going to sweat it.
For now, I'm just going to be happy with what I've completed.

5th Nov, 2013

chii, flower

I feel like I can't talk to anyone...

It's more like I can't convince myself to talk to anyone because I'm convinced it doesn't matter to them or they don't care and I'm really struggling with feelings of abandonment right now, for no good reason. But instead of doing anything about it I sit here and just struggle with my feelings of inadequacy which are not aided by my inability to get a return call from any position I apply to.

//The one good side effect to all this is that I finish a lot of cosplay stuff because I've very little else to do. *gigantic sigh*

Not to mention now that's it's November it's like I've been slammed with my seasonal affective disorder and all the sudden nothing is worth anything anymore. I honestly just want to take long drives to nowhere, because that expects nothing from me. And also that someone very close to me told me that yes, they are not going to be sympathetic and pretty much they berate or sort of play down how I'm feeling with jokes and simple responses. I definitely feel like I can't talk to them now and it's making me feel even more alone and unwanted. u_u I'm just digging myself into a ditch right now, really. I don't know how to explain how I feel about all this even. Part of how my depression works is that everything becomes a jumble that I can't separate and I feel so tense and knotted. It even affects me physically. I'm pretty much incapable of moving my neck right now... if I still saw them, my physical therapist would be appalled. U_U I kind of wish I still saw them.

God, even if I could just figure myself out, that would be a step. But I can't even do that.
I miss Zoe and having her around to talk to and hang out with. Same goes for Chelsea, who I've not seen for over a year. I also miss my dad, who is now in Texas, and I hate how I always fight with my mom. My dad has a great knack for talking about things and turning them into relatively simpler things. Not always, but sometimes he's just the right person to talk to, because he's also logically inclined like I am. My mom is entirely the opposite, very emotionally based, and I just can't handle that.

I can't even continue on with applying to finnish school right now, because my citizenship was revoked when I didn't declare on my 22nd birthday. So now I have to go through the process of reapplying for citizenship AND proving I have "sufficient connection" to finland to keep it.

I don't even know. I am in such a rut anymore. I try to talk to someone, anyone, but I always end up swallowing my words at the last minute and never bring it up with anyone. I'm afraid of another person telling me that they won't care if I talk to them. That hurts really bad, man. But I come to live journal 'cause I know no one reads it and that I can really just vent here, and even if I don't get a response, it's okay, because I never expect one when I livejournal. I just need that other voice inside me to be quiet for a bit. There is some place that listens, even if it's just listening to my keys as I type.

23rd Sep, 2013

chii, flower

Aw Hell...

So I just nearly had a breakdown over the stupid difference between the use of next week and next weekend as opposed to using this week or this weekend...

Just goes to show you what my mental state is right now if that is enough to make me nearly cry because it just adds to how frustrated I already am.

10th Sep, 2013


Jobs. ugh.

I'm getting so frustrated. I apply to all these jobs and attempt to follow up and make contact or otherwise make myself known to those hiring.
I write a new cover letter for each, highlight my skills and abilities, and I'm clear that I want to relocate to the area but I need a position to do so.


And nothing. No calls. No emails. Nothing. And it's probably because I'm not actually there in NY where the jobs are. But I cannot afford to go there without a job. My hands are tied in the whole relocating deal until someone offers me pay so that I know I won't end up out on the street somewhere.


I'm just getting so sick of putting myself out there and just being told that I'm not doing enough or that I should contact more people. What more can I do? Who do I call?


...I'm so depressed and frustrated by the whole thing. I just want to work, please at least call me for an interview or to say you even saw my resume. But how can I even show you how much I want to work in this industry is you won't even give me the opportunity?



30th Aug, 2013


not far off

I feel guilty and heavy and like a letdown...
Like I am the thing other people are disappointed by.


And that's not far off.

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